ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
