There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
