my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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