This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
