it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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