he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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