I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
