Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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