Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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