Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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