can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
