fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
