sarcasm needs its own font
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
