I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
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She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
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Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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