Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
