The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The Olympian is in my bed
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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