Betty ford says i'm here all night
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
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Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
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Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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