At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
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guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
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I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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