She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I am one with the molecules
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
