Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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