I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
