I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
