apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
