I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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