Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
