we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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