someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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