Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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