Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
