Whatcha textin bout Willis?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
