i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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