Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize