they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We are all done wearing pants today
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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