I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
