you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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