I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
