What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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