shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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