We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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