Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Randomize
