My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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