cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize