we have officially lost it.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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