Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
