Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Randomize
