What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
