You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
