I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
