Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
