i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
