I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
