he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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