He uses pillows to masturbate.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
