Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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