susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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