I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
