So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
